Big Pimpin’: 5 Possible Upgrades Jay-Z Could Give Kevin Durant
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In case you haven’t noticed, Jay-Z is trying to take over the world. His latest move didn’t involve the action-packed world of Hip-Hop music, but rather with his Roc Nation sports management hustle. He lured Kevin Durant over, and you can’t help but wonder if this will change Kevin. Granted, Jay-Z doesn’t seem to ever rub elbows with his rap artists (see Jermaine Cole), but who knows if it’s the same with his sports clients. Money talks. In fact, it has its own language.
If Jay-Z does decide to pull Kevin Durant under his luxurious wing and give him some sort of Hov-tastic makeover, check out these five possible upgrades Jay-Z could give K.D.
His Style
When David Stern switched the NBA’s dress code from Allen Iverson thuggish to Steve Harvey suited, I’m sure he never envisioned this day. Today’s NBA star dresses like different flavored ghetto versions of Steve Urkel, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. Keeping up with fashion is one thing, but Durantula’s too tall to dress like a superhero’s alter ego. After every post-game interview, I was waiting for him to stop talking, rip his shirt open, and fly away. Jay could definitely re-swag K.D. out. Or un-swag him altogether. I’m not quite sure how that works these days. Does Rocawear have a line of tailored suits?
His Power
Ol’ Kevy Kev needs a few more pounds and a couple of layers of muscle. He may not necessarily need them for the b-ball court, but one day, he’ll likely have kids. And it’ll be a damn shame if he can’t pick them up without fracturing his rotator cuff or spraining his wrist. In fact, Jay-Z could pay me to drive Kevin around to various fast food restaurants every day during the off-season and I wouldn’t even charge him my regular rate. I know, he’s still a kid, but I can definitely hear Jigga-Man saying, “More weight room, less Xbox live, son” to Durant over some sort of intercom.
His Sex Life
Kevin Durant is possibly the cleanest cut kid in the NBA. I believe that’s because he’s not having enough sex. Sex brings out the savage in a man, regardless of race or religion. If Jay could procure more ‘tang for the superstar, not only do I predict his image will advance, but he’ll probably be able to finally grow some actual facial hair. He may also contract a venereal disease too, but that neither here nor there. Maybe he’ll actually smeng the mom in the ESPN commercial rather than cleaning the gutters.
His Tattoos
Kevin needs more tattoos. He has one sprawled across his back, but nothing says “Winner” like a mini-mural draped across the side of a person’s neck. Tattoos have become so accepted in the NBA that it’s hard to find a guy on any team without at least one visible. And it’s not about the ink itself, but the attitude that seemingly goes along with it. K.D. has been in the league long enough to have finally become a target for “fans,” critics, and players. Now’s the perfect time to become more aggressive, or at the very least, make it seem that way.
His Street Cred
The entertainment industry is like one big reality show. So why not get K.D. involved in some sort of barely over the top drama with a rapper who could also use some publicity? Bad things seem to happen to people who hang around Chris Brown, so Jay may benefit from setting the two up to become friends. It’s like a chess move. Justin Bieber’s on course to get arrested within the next year or so, so the same theory applies to him. It would only be a matter of time. As a sort of bonus, Kevin could also grow cornrows.
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